{"id":1668,"date":"2016-05-31T09:20:31","date_gmt":"2016-05-31T17:20:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stylemesenseless.com\/?p=1668"},"modified":"2021-09-04T02:10:49","modified_gmt":"2021-09-04T02:10:49","slug":"breezy-dresses-difficult-confessions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/?p=1668","title":{"rendered":"Breezy Dresses & Difficult Confessions"},"content":{"rendered":"

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the ridiculous length of this post. \u00a0I would not be able to say what I need to say and have it read any shorter. \u00a0So on that note, thank you if you take the time to read it through. \u00a0It hasn’t been easy for me to figure out how to talk about this, and I know that some who read it might not understand or agree. \u00a0But what no one can deny are my own very personal, valid feelings. \u00a0This has been my reality the last few months and for a while life was grim. \u00a0I know there are other women out there like me, because when I first found out I was pregnant I googled it (pregnant and don’t want kids<\/a><\/em>). \u00a0I admit it didn’t make me feel any better. \u00a0If anything it induced a sense of panic and made me feel a million times worse.<\/p>\n

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I found out I was pregnant in mid-February, a few days after Valentine’s Day. \u00a0It was unplanned and very unexpected. \u00a0For personal (mostly medical) reasons, my husband and I believed it was unlikely we’d ever conceive. \u00a0And I was fine with that, more than fine in fact, because I never wanted kids. \u00a0I was 19 when I first met my husband, and told him casually over coffee one day that I had no interest in children. \u00a0At the time we weren’t technically dating, and I was also very young, so I doubt he thought much of it. \u00a0(For the record, he was incredibly vocal that he did want them.) \u00a0Fast forward 11 years, we are happily married and I still don’t want kids. \u00a0So that day in February when one pregnancy test after another read positive, my<\/em> first response was shock. \u00a0I lived that first day in a fog, texting my husband at work to let him know. \u00a0He was overjoyed, but I had barely processed the news. \u00a0The next day, reality settled in, and I cried a lot – like a lot<\/strong><\/em>. \u00a0My husband didn’t get it at all…he thought, wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to be happy right now? \u00a0In all those years of telling him that I thought pregnancy was disgusting and that raising a child was my worst nightmare, I don’t think he ever really believed me, because he had always felt so differently. \u00a0Thus began my hysteric downward spiral into despair. \u00a0I was appalled at the idea of my pregnancy, and my beloved husband felt completely the opposite. \u00a0Trust me<\/strong><\/em>, this is not an easy space to occupy.<\/p>\n

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First of all, for those of you who don’t know, the first trimester of pregnancy is really<\/strong><\/em> hard. \u00a0Your body is going through monumental changes and most women struggle along. \u00a0It’s hard enough for those who want their babies, but for me, I suffered through everyday and saw absolutely no point. \u00a0Though I wasn’t hit with dreaded morning sickness, I was struck with a debilitating sense of fatigue. \u00a0I could barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings, and once I nibbled on a small breakfast, I would rest on the couch most of the day. \u00a0This Huffpost author<\/a> describes first trimester fatigue perfectly: “The exhaustion isn\u2019t simply feeling tired. No, it is all-consuming. It is the kind of exhaustion you might expect if you were on the verge of getting the flu, were hung over and hadn\u2019t slept in five days, all at once. It is debilitating.”<\/em> \u00a0Couple that with rapidly changing hormones and an already fragile emotional state. \u00a0I was a fucking mess. \u00a0I spent most days alone, with my husband off to work before I even woke up. \u00a0I would curl up on the couch and sulk. \u00a0I didn’t even have the energy to work. \u00a0My mind was numb. \u00a0I was legitimately depressed. \u00a0And to make matters worse, the one person I spend my life with day in and day out, the one person I’ve confided in for the last decade, was on a different plane. \u00a0He’d come home to find me crying and he’d get frustrated. \u00a0He couldn’t understand why I was so upset. \u00a0He couldn’t understand that I truly never wanted this. \u00a0I didn’t know what do. \u00a0I was pretty sure that if I trusted my instinct I might loose my marriage, and that was a heavy thing to contemplate. \u00a0For those of you who know anything about my relationship with my husband, it has been very hard fought and well solidified. \u00a0So this possibility was earth shattering. \u00a0At the same time, so was the alternative. \u00a0I wavered between two choices, both of which decimated me to the point where I would freeze up inside and shake and cry and panic. \u00a0To be clear, I’m pro-choice, and I believe there are situations and circumstances that warrant such a choice. \u00a0However, it’s not at all a frivolous decision, and certainly not one I ever imagined myself making. \u00a0In my circumstance especially (fairly stable and happily married with a husband who desperately wanted a child) how could I possibly destroy that life? \u00a0And yet, as the mother carrying this child, I wanted nothing to do with it, and woke up every morning wishing I could flash back in time to my un-pregnant state. \u00a0I detested the idea of going through with an abortion, and pathetically (fruitlessly) wished I’d never gotten pregnant in the first place.<\/p>\n

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I don’t want to go into all the details of why I’ve never wanted kids, because the list is very long, and this post is already long enough. \u00a0Suffice it to say that I’ve felt that way for as long as I can remember, and at the age of 30 nothing had changed. \u00a0I did not feel my clock ticking. \u00a0I was very comfortable with my husband, our dog, and our little life. \u00a0Not to mention a demanding, self-propelled career. \u00a0In truth, I’m a quintessential (borderline OCD) Virgo. \u00a0I like things a certain way, as in my way. \u00a0I’m very organized and methodical, I have limited patience, and I value my freedom and personal space. \u00a0Although some may think this sounds selfish, I would wholeheartedly disagree. \u00a0I know myself very well – what I like, what I don’t like, what’s important to me, and I know my limitations. \u00a0As an individual I have every right to live my (law abiding) life in a way that maximizes my functionality and contentment. \u00a0Hence, this decision has been tremendously challenging, in a way that you absolutely wouldn’t understand if the idea of having kids seems normal and natural to you.<\/em> \u00a0It never has for me. \u00a0Having children defies my inclinations and tendencies, not to mention many of my fundamental beliefs. \u00a0So yes, for me this was earth shattering, and devastating. \u00a0It was very, very hard to swallow, and very hard to overcome the instinct to run. \u00a0I believe I ultimately knew that my inaction would lead to a decision by default. \u00a0For those of you who wonder why I’m going through with it,\u00a0I have two answers…
\n1. I am completely, madly in love with and dedicated to my husband. \u00a0We’ve known each other over ten years, but I knew within months of meeting him that I could love him the rest of my life. \u00a0In all this time that hasn’t changed, and it never will. \u00a0The thought of aborting his child and walking away from our life together was heartbreaking, hence I felt incredibly trapped. \u00a0That expression, “caught between a rock and a hard place”- it didn’t leave my mind for months. \u00a0I had never been so immobilized in my life.
\n2. A long time ago (in fact the year before I met my husband) I got a large tattoo on my back, which between a pair of wings reads, “God give me strength”. \u00a0Many years later, after struggling through a lot of bs, I realized that God grants us strength by teaching us to be strong. You’re not simply born that way. \u00a0You learn strength by overcoming difficulties, and most importantly, challenging yourself. \u00a0On the one hand it’s very comfortable to say I’m going to live my life exactly how I want, and avoid making sacrifices whenever possible. \u00a0On the other, you can buck the path of least resistance and task yourself with tackling the unforeseen. \u00a0I’ve tried this before and without a doubt learned from it. \u00a0Perhaps this is my way of justifying the current outcome. \u00a0And I do very much hope I’m right. \u00a0I hope that I will learn from this and grow in a way I never previously imagined. \u00a0I hope as my husband and my family assure me, that when the baby comes I’ll be happy.<\/p>\n

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That being said, there is a third reason that’s creeping up on me more slowly. \u00a0It was only very recent, when I felt her kick for the first time, that it started to sink in. \u00a0There’s a life growing inside me, for which it will be my job to nurture and protect. \u00a0Initially, everything<\/strong> <\/em>about the last thought would’ve disgusted me. \u00a0To be blatantly honest, when I heard her heartbeat for the first time I felt nothing. \u00a0When I saw her via ultrasound for the first time, I thought wow that’s weird looking. \u00a0When I learned her gender, I thought okay fine, because I had no preference or preconceived notion. \u00a0But soon after, I started thinking about a little girl that would be mine to name and dress up and impress upon, and I felt a tiny bit excited. \u00a0Still terrified mind you, but definitely not as sad. \u00a0And then when I felt her kick a few weeks ago, that was really an aha moment for me. \u00a0Something about that little thump from inside suddenly made it much more real. \u00a0I’m now 20 weeks along – exactly halfway through this unexpected journey, and I feel a hell of a lot better than I did at 10 weeks. \u00a0Still not ecstatic, still with reservations, but also with a bit of optimism and a desire to protect this life growing inside me. \u00a0Maybe pregnancy does that to you? \u00a0Maybe the hormones have rewired my brain. \u00a0I really don’t know, but I do know that although I never wanted kids, I do have a heart and a tremendous capacity for love. \u00a0This was definitely not what I envisioned. \u00a0It isn’t my ideal child-free adulthood. \u00a0But now I can say I’m doing something I never thought I’d do. \u00a0And without a doubt, I’m only having one.<\/p>\n

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Find this lovely palm print maxi dress at Express<\/a>.<\/em><\/div>\n
Special thanks to my husband for taking these photos.<\/em><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the ridiculous length of this post. \u00a0I would not be able to say what I need to say and have it read any shorter. \u00a0So on that note, thank you if you take the time to read it through. \u00a0It hasn’t been easy for me to figure […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1896,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_vp_format_video_url":"","_vp_image_focal_point":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[18,19],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-1668","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-outfit-inspiration","8":"category-personal-updates","9":"entry"},"featured_image_src":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/dsc03916-600x400.jpg","featured_image_src_square":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/dsc03916-600x600.jpg","author_info":{"display_name":"Luisa Lucia","author_link":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/?author=1"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1668","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1668"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1668\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1896"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1668"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1668"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thestarlightmystic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1668"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}